Euphemisms are virtue challenged. Excessive use suggests an intelligence deficit. To put it plainly, euphemisms are absolutely terrible and destructive of precision and clarity.
To euphemize is to “substitute a mild, indirect or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh or blunt,” according to Dictionary.com. That doesn’t sound so bad. Then again, what is considered offensive, harsh or blunt? And who decides?
Sadly, when well-meaning but senseless people decide a term needs to be replaced, the results are often ridiculous (and occasionally a little funny). “Terrorist acts” become “man-caused disasters,” “and the winner is” becomes “and the Emmy goes to,” and neurotics become “emotionally unstable persons.”
Another example is regrettably becoming the newest Christmas tradition: replacing “Christmas” wherever possible with “holiday” or “winter.” Thus schools around the country will have a winter break at the end of December as if the timing is mere coincidence. Whatever else might be said of this practice, it is certainly insulting to the intelligence of non-Christians and Christians alike.
As the late, great comic George Carlin said, “I’m telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit — (it) makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.”
A related problem is the euphemism treadmill. This is the phenomena of a plain word beginning as acceptable (the front of the treadmill) and being run to the unacceptable back end as it acquires a supposed coarseness.
A classic example is “idiot.” This was once a valid medical term applied to people with an IQ below 30. But, it has become a playground insult. It wasn’t long before describing someone as an idiot — even if it was technically accurate — was taboo.
“Blind” and “deaf” have taken rides on the treadmill. These seemingly non-judgmental terms evidently no longer express an inability to see or hear. No, for that we have the more awkward “vision” and “hearing impaired.” Isn’t anyone without perfect sight vision impaired?
While virtually all euphemisms destroy precision and should be avoided, some are at least well intended. Say an elementary PE teacher refers to a third grader as “husky.” This is a relatively harmless effort to convey fitness level without hurting the kid’s feelings, and the meaning is still clear.
Other euphemisms are doublespeak, defined by Dictionary.com as “evasive, ambiguous language that is intended to deceive or confuse.” Often the goal is to spin, or at least reduce the sting of unpleasant concepts. Genocide becomes “ethnic cleansing.” Layoffs become “force reductions.”
In fairness, there are a few acceptable euphemisms. If a term is genuinely offensive to reasonable people, and the newer term isn’t absurd it might be sensible.
Imagine how many grandmas would faint if clergy were to swap the famous biblical euphemism “to know” with “putting bellies together” or “making feet for children’s shoes” (credit to Carlin for those).
More seriously, “illegitimate child” — which of course was a euphemism itself — has largely been replaced by “non-marital child.” Here the new term is actually more precise, doesn’t require verbal acrobatics and is fairer to the children who had no control over their parents’ activities.
Perhaps the most redeeming aspect of euphemisms is their occasional hilarity. In a famous skit by the British comedy group Monty Python, a man tries to return a recently purchased parrot to a pet store upon the discovery that it is dead and just nailed to the perch. The shop owner obstinately insists it’s just resting, leading to this tirade of euphemisms:
“It’s passed on. This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It’s expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It’s a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn’t nailed him to the perch he would be pushing up the daisies. Its metabolic processes are of interest only to historians. It’s hopped the twig. It’s shuffled off this mortal coil. It’s run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This ... is an ex-parrot.”
Reality isn’t always pleasant, but terrorists commit terrorism, awards go to winners and neurotics are in fact neurotic. Not saying something doesn’t mean it isn’t so.
We must all work together to stop this assault on effective communication. If we don’t soon we’ll all sound like idiots: people with a less than ideal ability to effectively convey concepts with desirable concision within a practical time frame.
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